Audiobooks

Dale Tummins takes a one-night job inside a walrus costume and finds out mascots run a secret league of their own, with standings, trades, injuries and a doping scandal. The hockey is just there to draw a crowd. His best friend Phil reads the vibes on his phone and steers him by the elbow.

Dale Tummins joins his best friend Phil on a castaway reality show to dodge a jet ski debt, then steals the host's boat to go looking for a Golden Coconut that everybody says isn't real.

The night the world ends, Dale Tummins is in a Seattle hotel lobby in a bathrobe and one slipper, stealing muffins into an ice bucket. Down in the dungeon he spends floors one and two at the edge of Carl and Princess Donut's story, always seeing it from the wrong angle. Free, non-commercial fan fiction. Dungeon Crawler Carl, Carl and Princess Donut belong to Matt Dinniman.

Dale Tummins gets cast as a rookie on The Struggle, a veterans' competition show, and moves into a mountain lodge full of legends like Johnny Apples and PT Tambourine. Every vet sees him as the easiest vote in the house and keeps sending him to the elimination pit. He keeps surviving, always for the wrong reason, and he's sure it's strategy.

Dale Tummins answers an ad to hold a lamp in Count Oaf's play, hears the words "enormous fortune", and announces he's the long-lost eldest Maudelaire. From there he follows Viola, Claude and Bunny from guardian to guardian, sees through every one of the Count's disguises, and keeps quiet out of professional courtesy. An affectionate parody of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, with every name changed. Free and non-commercial.

Eleven-year-old Dale Tummins gets his Frogwarts letter warm out of a laundromat dryer, sinks a borrowed broom on the first night and is sorted into Snufflepuff right after the famous Larry Spotter. He spends the whole year at the edge of Larry's story, always seeing it from the wrong angle, and sure it's about him. A free parody.

The same single-narrator reading of Dale's first year at Frogwarts, now with sound effects and quiet ambience under the voice: the owl in the dryer, the train, the Great Hall, the lake and the trapdoor. Still one narrator, no cast and no music. A free parody.

Dale is back at Frogwarts for his second year, wearing a lost sock he was hired to find and hiring a secretary with a stapler. When word goes round that the Chamber of Secretaries has been opened, he's sure it's an office full of staff and spends the whole year trying to get an appointment, while Larry Spotter's year happens just out of frame. A free parody.

The same book, performed by a cast. Dale still tells it in the narrator's voice, and Phil, Darlene, Ozzie Pomeroy, Tess, Winthrop Gale, Lyle, Hollis and everyone else who speaks has a voice of their own.

The same castaway disaster with no narrator, only the voices: Dale, Phil, Brock the host, the billionaire upriver and the whole island, each with their own voice, plus sound effects and a little music. Dale's thoughts come out in confessionals to a camera operator who never answers.

The same two floors with no narrator, only the voices: Dale, Phil, Hollis, the dungeon's AI, a damp old guide named Fenwick, Renata the paramedic, and Carl and Princess Donut passing by, plus sound effects and a little music. Out in the audience, a viewer named Zibb can't stop watching the robe man. Free, non-commercial fan fiction. Dungeon Crawler Carl, Carl and Princess Donut belong to Matt Dinniman.

Dale's whole first year with no narrator, only the voices: Dale, Phil, Nana, Larry Spotter and his friends, Professor Snipe, a jumpy Professor Quibble, a gloomy painted knight, the Snorting Hat and a debt collector named Hollis, plus sound effects and a little music. From the letter in the dryer to the trapdoor and the train home. A free parody.

Dale's fourth year at Frogwarts, with no narrator, only the voices. He drops a greasy napkin into the Goblet of Fries thinking it's the vendor application, and its magically binding contract makes him the official caterer of a tournament with a dragon, a lake and a hedge maze. With Phil, Tilly and her stapler, Nobby on potatoes, a champion who always orders a large, extra salt, and Larry Spotter's year happening just past the fry counter. A free parody.

The world is ending, a black train has stopped on Main Street with one hour to board, and the boarding requirement is Level Ten. Dale Tummins is Level One. His class is Conductor, a discontinued job nobody on the train has seen in forty years, so he gets on through the crew door and moves into the Caboose, the last carriage, the one the train drops whenever the passengers come up short. With Phil, Hollis, Auntie Vell's soup, a girl who has never been off the train, and a postcard home to Nana at every stop. Book One of a ten-book LitRPG. A free story by LineCrush.

A new continent rises out of the Pacific, and everyone who steps ashore gets a class, a level and the Atlas: a book of a thousand Wonders, and the first person to finish it inherits the world. Nearly everyone comes down the ramp with a sword up and gets a fighting class. Dale Tummins stepped off the boat reading a fake map, so he's the world's only Cartographer. Phil carries his suitcase, Hollis bills him for everything, and the whole beach is racing for the Seven Impossible Keys to the sealed city on the hill. Book One of a ten-book LitRPG. A free story by LineCrush.

Dale Tummins inside Bram Stoker's Dracula. Sent to Transylvania with Jonathan Harker as a clerk's clerk, Dale decides the Count is a wonderful host who keeps unusual hours, and keeps writing him thank-you notes. Around him Stoker's story runs at full strength: the castle, the Demeter, Lucy, Van Helsing's hunters and the chase home. No narrator, only the voices, plus sound effects and a little music. Adapted from the public-domain novel.

Dale Tummins inside Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. He talks his way into Victor Frankenstein's rooms in Ingolstadt as an assistant nobody hired, and from the dreary night in November to the chase across the Arctic ice, he's the only person who thinks the Creature is a nice guy. No narrator, only the voices, plus sound effects and a little music. Adapted from the public-domain 1818 novel.

Dale Tummins inside Washington Irving's The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. He makes himself Ichabod Crane's assistant schoolmaster, though nobody hired him, while Ichabod courts Katrina Van Tassel, Brom Bones plays his pranks, and the old farmers tell their ghost stories. Dale decides the Headless Horseman is only a man who lost his hat, and sets out to return one. No narrator, only the voices, plus sound effects and a little music. Adapted from the public-domain story.

Dale Tummins and his friend Phil inside the Book of Exodus, chapters 1 to 14. Two shepherds of Midian who follow Moses back to Egypt, Dale as his self-appointed spokesman's spokesman, barefoot since the burning bush. While Moses and Aaron stand before Pharaoh, Dale keeps pitching Pharaoh's servants a better deal. Around them the story runs at full strength: the midwives, the plagues, the Passover night and the sea. No narrator, only the voices, plus sound effects and a little music. Adapted from the public-domain World English Bible.

Dale Tummins and his friend Phil inside the Gospel of Matthew, chapters 1 to 9. First they're camel hands for the wise men, with Dale sure he's the fourth one; thirty years later Dale works the tax booth in Capernaum beside Matthew, still angling for junior partner. Around them the story runs at full strength: the star, the river Jordan, the Sermon on the Mount, the storm on the lake, and the call at the tax booth. No narrator, only the voices, plus sound effects and a little music. Adapted from the public-domain World English Bible.

Dale Tummins and his friend Phil inside the whole Book of Esther. Dale is a junior scribe of the royal chronicles in Susa who does carpentry at night; Phil keeps the King's Gate beside Mordecai. Neither understands the court, but both end up in the story of a brave queen, a sleepless king and a villain's plot. No narrator, only the voices, plus sound effects and a little music. Adapted from the public-domain World English Bible.

A giant store called the Undercroft opens overnight in four thousand towns, and Dale Tummins camps out three days to be second in line for a free lifetime membership. Earth closes for renovation behind him. Inside, guests fight down twelve departments for the Deed to Earth, and Dale scores so low on the Welcome Survey that the viewers get to make all his decisions. That's you. Every scene ends in a vote, his Guest Card decides how it goes, and every run plays out differently. Full cast, no narrator.

At three in the morning the galaxy's biggest reality show drops a candy-colored Tower on Seattle, and Dale Tummins, in a hotel bathrobe and one slipper, is one of the ten thousand people still awake. The audience at home gets his Remote. That's you. Pick his Role for the Floor, steer him through the tryout, and at the elevator the Buyback turns his gear into the Sparkle he carries up to Floor Two. Narrated by Dale, with sound effects and a little music.